If you’ve ever read my blog, you’ll find that there are few swear words in it. If you’ve met me in person, you’ll find that I love to cuss, and I am most fond of the versatility and unbiased joy of a word that means intercourse. I’m writing about words and phrases that I hate, so I’m probably going to say the word fuck a lot. You have been warned.
There are words that I love. Abscond. Lurk. Smooch. Abominable. There are words that are fun to say. Aborigine. Fandango. Metamorphosize. There are words that describe worlds within a tiny grouping of phonemes. Wasteland. Prairie. Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*Snicker* Ok, maybe not such a tiny grouping.
And then there are words and phrases that I have come to truly fucking hate.
Terrorist- I’m thoroughly sick of this one. In our current political environment, it’s overused right and left. Oh, the world is big and scary! You can tell by how often we use the word terrorist! To me, a terrorist is someone, often an outsider, who has a political or religious agenda and seeks to hurt people to forward that agenda. It’s not some guy named Nick who broke into a house to steal things to pawn for drugs. So why is my news station calling him an “urban terrorist?” The guy’s a thief. Thief is a perfectly adequate word to describe him.
Sorry, a terrorist invaded my computer space and assaulted my keyboard. No, wait. It was only a weasel.
Slippery slope- Everything is a slippery slope these days. Me, I think the only thing that’s a slippery slope right now is my fucking driveway. (It’s quite true, although I did salt it today.) “Gay marriage will turn into a slippery slope and next people will want to marry children, and wombats, and inanimate objects! Oh, the humanity!” That is a hyperboleified example of some real-life things I’ve heard and read lately. In fact, the same sort of arguments came out long ago about mixed marriages. Oh my fucking goodness, it’s true! Mixed marriages led to the downfall of the American family! No, wait a minute. It just gave civil rights to adult citizens that deserved them. Mush like gay marriage rights would. So far, no anarchy. No people marrying goats.
Pot is an entry level drug that begins a slippery slope to other drugs like heroine and thin mints from the Girl Scouts. Legalize it and we might as well dump thin mints in the baby’s playpen. Yes, of course. That explains all the toddlers in The Netherlands that are hooked on horse. Wait a minute—
I’ll tell you what “slippery slope” is. It’s a limp argumentative tactic thrown around by people who steadfastly believe their opinions but are unable to back up those opinions with facts and science. The real slippery slope is that using that fucktastic phrase will start you on a slippery slope to brain cells loss.
Technology- Now, don’t get me wrong, I love technology. What I hate is that the word is thrown around willy-nilly for the most stupid of things. My paper towels are not absorbent, they have moisture-lock technology! Hey, adman! Let me give you a fucking clue. It’s paper. It has no technology, and your lame-ass technobabble just makes those paper towels too stupid for me to buy. What is truly amazing is that you got paid for that ad campaign. Asshat!
Event- Now, I love a good hootenanny as much as the next person. However, you know what is not an event? Meteorological conditions. It’s snowing outside. It is not a snow event. It’s just snow, full stop. Tell me it’s going to rain, don’t predict a rain event. And don’t even get me started on “polar vortex.” I now pick my weather informant based on which broadcast is less dramatic and excitable.
I’d better finish this article up. We’re expecting a rain of frogs event in my area.
You, as both plural and singular- I heard a fairy tale that, once upon a time, the English language had separate words denoting “you” singular and “you” plural. It must have been a magical time. Other languages still differentiate between pronouns for one person as opposed to a group, but alas and fuck it all, we do not. This leaves poor speakers of my mother tongue floundering, searching in vain for a less vague and confusing way to speak. Thus was born the “y’alls” and “you guys” and “you lots” of the English language as people desperately try to be rid of the horror of pronoun confusion.
A member of a group of people: “Are you going to the movie?”
Person A: “I don’t know. Is the entire group of people that I’m looking at going?”
A different person in a group of people: “Yes, we are going.”
Me: “Bugger this. I’m just going to say you guys, unless there’s a rabid feminist in the group.”
No offense meant towards rabid feminists, and for fuck’s sake go to the doctor. You’re starting to foam at the mouth.
I’ll leave you with some lovely words, to get the bad taste out of your collective mouths.
Masticate. Flabbergast. Poinsettia. Quixotic. Cantankerous. Heliocentric. Cacophony.
Oh, and fuck snow events. Fuck ‘em.